Tomorrow will be 12 years since mom passed away. As if to make that feeling worse we are watching Dopesick on Hulu that is so heartbreaking to watch, especially knowing addiction/dependence up close. After her accident in 2007, my mom was prescribed Xanax that completely engulfed her. Towards the end I don’t think she was even aware of how much Xanax she was having because she had become so dependent on it. She hid it all from everyone, and while I suspected many other things were wrong with her sitting 10000 miles away, I never once guessed addiction.
Years later while we were emptying out her belongings we discovered stash upon stash of Xanax hidden in her belongings. Those discoveries led to new stories around how mom always looked drowsy but people assumed something else, or how our car driver would take her medical shops that gave her the drug (I mean its India, nobody cared what it was), and how everyone she purchased from was swore to secrecy by her. Or how everyone around her quietly assumed she was taking sleeping pill to ease her from her accident pain of years ago. Or nobody gave a fuck when she refused to see doctors, or allowed anyone to touch her purse and prized belongings.
I tried my damnest hard to help her from here, but not knowing what it was, and not having that forcing influence on family I could never get her to go to a doc. I wish I knew what she was on and I understood the signs; maybe then maybe I could have forced the family to get her proper counseling and support. I wish family around her took the signs seriously and stepped in. All that’s left is a series of what-ifs. I dont know if Xanax took her life eventually in form of a heart attack, but even if it didnt, it made her miserable. So I hope she’s happy wherever she is now, because we miss her everyday and not a day goes by without me thinking what could’ve been.